Rhymes with Arghhh

I’ve been dreading this moment for the better part of two weeks, but at last, I think it’s time to face my darkest fear: The gibbering, rickety mess of “Attack of the Clones.”

The only thing worse than what’s on the screen is the rambling nonsense tying it all together.

I.e., Lord Sidious has apparently convinced the Trade Federation representatives that everything would have gone swimmingly with their Naboo blockade if it hadn’t been for that meddling Queen Amidala.

Why the Trade Federation even cares about the failed blockade is unclear—they’ve suffered exactly zero repercussions for their villainy. Someone mentions a trial has dragged on for 10 years--and shows no sign of coming to a verdict anytime soon—but the Viceroy still has his job, and from the looks of things, plenty of cash.

But never mind the all-too-apparent prosperity of the Trade Federation—they’re still very, very angry at Amidala. She basically wore a head dress and asked some Jedis and fish people to do her a favor, but no, she’s the one they blame—not the Jedis or the fish people. So the Federation does what any angry businessmen would do. They put a hit out on now-Senator Amidala, build an enormous army of battle droids and start talking about separating from the Republic. The same extremely corrupt Republic, you’ll remember, that hasn’t even bothered to slap them on the wrist for their past crimes. Yeah, who wouldn’t want to ditch those losers?

Why is the Trade Federation is still taking advice from Lord Sidious again? He’s the jerk who suggested the Naboo blockade in the first place. But no, the Federation’s not angry with Lord Sidious for his shitty leadership, though many a CEO has been sacked for less.

Hence, the Trade Federation happily accepts Lord Sidious’s suggestion that they hire the one assassin in the galaxy who happens to live around the corner from half a million cloned soldiers. And Jango Fett, who has spent the last 10 years of his life watching his genetic stock being turned into a massive army at the request of the Jedi Council, doesn’t seem to have mentioned this to whoever hired him for the assassination. Not much of a team player, Jango.

Consequently, when Obi-Wan investigates the attempts on Amidala’s life, he stumbles upon the exact thing the Republic would need to defeat the Federation’s massive droid army. Wow, handy! And then, following the assassin’s trail, he stumbles upon that very same droid army.

What kind of business people are these Trade Federation guys? Or for that matter, the Geonosians? How has this group of incompetents ever stayed in the black for two quarters in a row? And these are the geniuses that Lord Sidious trusts to plan the Death Star? I wouldn’t let these guys park my second best pod racer. Come to that, where was the money for the droid army going to come from? If war hadn’t descended on the galaxy, I’m pretty sure Episode III would have been called “Revenge of the Accounting Irregularities.”

It is a shambles from start to finish, even if you overlook the unnecessary introduction of Count Dooku or the catastrophic Anakin-Padme love story.

Look, Anakin and Padme could easily fall in love, under the right circumstances. I’m just saying that a formal discussion of the Senator’s security needs is probably not especially conducive to romance. Yet, both of them admit later that meeting pushed them over the edge. I have a long, storied history of inappropriate crushes and workplace romance and I’ve *never* been smitten in a conference room. I think corporations have some kind of anti-romance air freshener they use for just that purpose.

For that matter, in the first 45 minutes of the movie, there’s not one moment of real need or compassion or support between them. They’re not unkind , but it’s never clear that they even like each other or enjoy the other’s company. When Anakin complains that Obi-Wan is a jerk, Padme doesn’t so much console him as tell him to suck it up. (And never mind that we haven’t seen Obi-Wan treat Anakin badly, so the complaints sound like childish whining.) Then, inexplicably, Padme kisses Anakin’s and it feels for all the world like she does it out of pity.

It’s maddening to see so much potential sexual tension thrown out the window. Both actors have appeal to burn—and the spectacle of a shirtless Anakin in Episode III made me mourn for what might have been. But there’s no desire between them, no sense that being close to each other is uncomfortably arousing. And every time Anakin blurts out his feelings, he undercuts what little tension has survived thus far. He’s the anti-Darcy--instead of smoldering his way through the first two acts, only to be unable to contain himself any longer, Anakin pours out his heart every chance he gets. It’s distinctly unappealing, and makes the viewer wonder exactly what Padme sees in him.

Plainly, Lucas or someone who works for him understands the power of seeing a character admit to their true feelings under duress, because “The Empire Strikes Back” has a perfect example of this right before Han is frozen in carbon. But in “Attack of the Clones,” a nearly-identical scene falls to pieces because no one bothers to tell the audience that the lovers are facing certain death. Nobody discusses what’s planned for them, or the likely outcome (a la Boba Fett’s concern for his reward, if Solo is killed.) Padme and Anakin are chained up in a darkened room, confessing their love and talking about death, but it all seems a little hysterical, since nobody’s said anything to us about killing them. Yes, it turns out, they are in pretty hot water, but we didn’t know that when they were trading clunky sweet nothings. (“I thought we had decided not to fall in love.”)

On the other hand, I will admit that Episode II does actually show the characters engaged in their lives as the story unfolds. People eat and do research and teach classes. It’s not the vacant wasteland of I & III. But that being said, opportunities are still wasted--Padme, for instance, can apparently pick a lock. Who knew? The mind reels to consider what other, less-than-orthodox skills she might practice in her spare time.

The Horror, The Horror, Etc.

My apologies for the delay since the last entry. Honor demanded that I attempt to track down copies of Episode 1 and 2, for purposes of textual support. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that rental copies of both movies were rarer than hen’s teeth for the last week. I suspect that everyone who watched Episode 3 had the same reaction: “Surely that’s not all there is? I must have missed something … I’d better go back and watch the first two films over.”

Yeah, no. That’s all there is. I’ve now watched all three movies twice a piece (shudder) and not only were my earlier comments right on the money, in some cases they were a little too gentle.

The logical inconsistencies of all three movies are overwhelming. Scene after scene unfolds according to narrative flow that ranges from the feeble to bewildering.

It’s little things and big things. For instance, my previous example of certain people knowing each other and the way their conversations cue us in on the relationships and back stories. While we are constantly being *told* things—the queen is young, for instance—we never have a chance to figure anything out for ourselves. We can conclude from Luke Skywalker’s whining that he longs to get off the farm, longs for adventure and consequently, we can’t wait to see where this trip to Alderaan is going to take him.

What can we conclude from Queen Amidala’s dialogue? That she cares about her people, perhaps. (Although we never see those people suffer, and we never see her react to the suffering of her people, she just gets a lot of updates to that effect and tells people she’s against it.) Then she *leaves* her planet, giving us zero opportunity to watch her fight on their behalf and lots of chances to hear her say political things to various members of the Senate.

The biggest thing, I think, is the creepily pointless concealment of Amidala as a handmaiden, while Senator Palpatine walks around with the same last name as the emperor we love to hate, and the same profile we’ve seen poking out of a holo-hood for the last two hours.

This is particularly disturbing because it suggests that Lucas has at least a glancing familiarity with Aristotle’s “Poetics,” and specifically Aristotle’s definition of the two most satisfying types of plot development: Reversal and recognition.

“Reversal is a change by which the action veers round to its opposite, subject always to our rule of probability or necessity. Thus in the Oedipus, the messenger comes to cheer Oedipus and free him from his alarms about his mother, but by revealing who he is, he produces the opposite effect.”

“Recognition, as the name indicates, is a change from ignorance to knowledge, producing love or hate between the persons destined by the poet for good or bad fortune. The best form of recognition is coincident with a reversal, as in the Oedipus.”

Both can be found throughout the six movies, but there are certain instances that we remember with particular fondness—when Luke attempts to rescue Leia from the prison cell, but only plunges her into more danger, that’s reversal. When Darth Vader reveals he is Luke’s father, that is recognition. (And reversal, given that in that moment, Luke’s attempt to kill Vader is transformed into an attempt to escape recruitment into the Empire.) Not surprisingly, Aristotle shows a marked preference for recognition that triggers a reversal.

So if Lucas has even a shred of a clue about Aristotle’s “Poetics,” even if he’s just cribbed his knowledge of plot from a Robert McKee seminar, WHY does he continually ignore Aristotle’s first principle: FUCKING PLOT (caps and profanity Aristotle’s.)

Here’s Ari again:

“But again, tragedy is an imitation not only of a complete action, but of events inspiring fear or pity. Such an effect is best produced when the events come on us by surprise; and the effect is heightened when, at the same time, they follow as cause and effect. The tragic wonder will then be greater than if they happened of themselves or by accident; for even coincidences are most striking when they have an air of design.”

In other words, the story should be original, but later events SHOULD LOGICALLY FOLLOW FROM EARLIER EVENTS.

This principle is abundantly clear in any number of well-written movies. By chance, I happened to see “GalaxyQuest” earlier this week. Briefly, the former cast of a cult sci-fi television program (coughStarTrekcough) is given the chance to actually play their roles in real life. Why would tired, cynical actors agree to become action heroes? Because the request comes from a trusting and innocent alien species that doesn’t know that “GalaxyQuest” was just a show. And subsequently, because their lives on the line.

Simple. Perfect. Elegant. Nothing more, nothing less than is needed.

Hell, it’s even true in the first three movies. R2-D2 leaves the ship on a mission—C-3PO doesn’t have a mission and doesn’t want to leave until he’s almost shot. Upon landing, they do not successfully find Obi-Wan, or even a human who wants to help them—what would be the odds of finding a helpful human being on a giant sand ball? Much more logically, they’re scavenged by Jawas. It’s only by a coherent series of events that R2-D2 finally gives his message to Obi-wan.

By contrast, Qui-gon literally runs into JarJar Binks on the surface of Naboo. That’s it. No search for a helpful local, no wandering around lost, not even stopping to ask a question. He runs into JarJar and from that moment, JarJar is glued to his side—because the gods command it.

(And on a side note? I never hear Qui-gon introduce himself to anyone on Naboo. He’s just an ambassador as far as Queen Amidala is concerned. And I don’t know when JarJar learns his name, but it’s not anytime in the first 30 minutes of the movie.)

The last glaring defect of the Prequels is a little something Aristotle likes to call…

“Suffering: Two parts, then, of the plot - reversal and recognition - turn upon surprises. A third part is the scene of suffering. The scene of suffering is a destructive or painful action, such as death on the stage, bodily agony, wounds, and the like.”

A destructive action like … a TRADE BLOCKADE? Oh, stop screaming, I know it’s almost too terrible to contemplate. What about a painful TREATY SIGNING!

AAAAAAHHHHHH!

Yes, THAT is what the entirety of “Star Wars: A Phantom Menace” hinges on. The whole time they’re on Tatooine, having bizarre, irrelevant conversations with a strangely boastful little boy? It’s all part of an effort to end the horrible, terrible, nightmarish trade blockade. Or worse, the possibility of Amidala being forced to sign a treaty.

Oh, right, the invasion. I forgot. BECAUSE I NEVER ACTUALLY SAW ANYONE SUFFER AS A RESULT OF THE INVASION. Taking some prisoners off to “Camp 4” is not the same thing as, say, blowing up your homeworld of Alderaan right after promising mercy.

Not only do we never see anyone suffer, but a lot of the time, the only person panicking in the face of danger is JarJar Binks, who is too dumb to live. I’m not saying that out of JarJar hate. I’m saying that because seconds after he meets Obi-wan et al., he offers to take them to the one place he is forbidden to go. Only a sociopath or an imbecile’s first impulse is the exact thing he must not do.

When someone known for their assured calm starts to sweat, then I know things are bad. When Han looks panicky, it’s time to worry. When a Jedi looks overwhelmed, run. When a half-wit fishman trips over his ears in fright? It’s probably just a piece of lint.

As per usual, the backstory that explains the trade blockade is a real page-turner. Ahem.

Lord Sidious told the Trade Federation to do it.

Oh.

Well, okay then.

Who is Lord Sidious again?

Exactly.

And when the Trade Federation's plans fall apart, what punishment do they face? Mystery choking? Impalement? The destruction of their Death Star?

They are sent packing with instructions to explain themselves to the Senate. Oh, and they can “kiss [their] franchise good-bye.”

Is that a pee stain on the Viceroy’s robe, or did he just spill some punch?

Coming soon: Cleaning up the mess. Also, great season finales.

Criminy

To answer your first question: Yes, I was so pissed off by "Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith" that I actually created a blog in order to have some place to bitch about it.

In all fairness, though, it must be admitted that I have always had issues with badly written television and movies.

Yes, I said "badly written." Just "bad" is okay with me--I have always been very fond of the ancient and ramshackle Jennifer Connelly/David Bowie movie "labyrinth", and not two weeks ago, watched Marlon Brando queen it up in "The Island of Dr. Moreau" with great pleasure. When everyone and everything about a movie broadcasts that they're only in it for the down payment on a summer house, I can rest easy in the knowledge that I'm in capable, if deeply silly, hands. On television, the entire "Star Trek" genre plays a similar role. Also "The Scarecrow and Mrs. King." But I digress.

What pushes me over the edge, however, is when certain people with certain words next to their names in the credits--words like "written by" or "executive producer"--make a concerted effort to do a good job, then at halftime decide to start stinking up the joint. That? That pisses me off.

So: Briefly, and only as the merest taste of what I think will probably be many years of bitching...

Things George Lucas Once Knew

1. Keep it personal. "Star Wars: A New Hope" begins with an establishing shot of a space battle and then cuts inside to two droids, trying to avoid getting blown to bits. C3PO observes that "Princess Leia won't get away this time." Why? Because he knows Princess Leia. Maybe 6 minutes later, Princess Leia is captured and brought to Darth Vader. The first words out of her mouth are "Lord Vader, only you could be so bold..." and Vader tells Leia "Don't act so surprised, your highness, you weren't on any mercy mission."

Note: THEY KNOW EACH OTHER! Maybe they don't send each other cards on Life Day, but clearly they know each other, at least by reputation.

Also: THEY ARE TALKING TO EACH OTHER.

Before I forget: WE CAN TELL THEY BOTH HAVE SOMETHING THEY WANT/NEED

By contrast, the primary villains in "Star Wars: The Phantom Menace" are members of the Trade Federation. The heroic Jedi go to meet with the Trade Federation and the members ... DITCH THE MEETING to hide in a darkened room. Way to really pursue your interests, guys. And while they're scurrying around, we miss out on the chance to learn about them from their conversation with the Jedi, including, oh, I dunno, THEIR NAMES? Or say, maybe, WHAT THEY WANT?

2. Your character has a life. See also: Wants. Again, "SW:ANH" gives us Princess Leia sneaking around the ship, trying to avoid capture. Also, being held captive. Also, it is implied, being tortured. When we meet Luke Skywalker, he's a farm boy, doing farm boy things. When we meet Obi-Wan, he's an old Jedi, doing old Jedi things. Han Solo, drinking and doing business in a scummy bar.

Meanwhile in the prequels, people mainly walk down hallways and have conversations. In "Revenge of the Sith," Anakin and Padme have upwards of five conversations where, at most, SHE IS BRUSHING HER HAIR! Padme is a senator, the same job her daughter will hold in 19 years or so, but one of them is trying to evade capture and the other demonstrates a Jackie Kennedy-like fondness for changing outfits ever four hours.

Sweet Christ! "West Wing" has 42 straight minutes of conversations about government policy every week that manages to make it perfectly clear that the characters have lives (or try to, anyway) outside of their jobs. If Padme's not going to try to negotiate peace or arrange aid to afflicted planets or draft a speech urging that the Chancellor step down, maybe she could go for some pre-natal care? Or sew some baby clothes? Or eat a snack! Or take a bath! I don't care, but get off that goddamned sofa!

I'm not picking on Padme--Anakin similarly seems to do nothing but go into rooms in order to have a conversation with the person he finds there. If he's so interested in the Sith, why not go to the Jedi library and browse the Dark Side section? Or do some training drills? Or mediate in an effort to clear his mind?

3. More Is Not Always Better. "SW: ANH" starts in outer space, moves between Tatooine and various star ships (Millennium Falcon, Death Star), touches down briefly at a rebel base, the goes back into outer space. Basically, the whole movie takes place on two planets and a couple space craft. "Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back" has three planets, one asteroid, the Millenium Falcon and whatever Darth Vader is flying around in. "Star Wars: Return of the Jedi": two planets, a rebel base and another Death Star.

Are you starting to see a pattern here? "SW:TPM" has Naboo, underwater Naboo, Tatooine, Coruscant, and three different space voyages. "SW:Attack of the Clones" introduces 3 new planets, plus we spend time on Coruscant, Tatooine and Naboo. "SW: Revenge of the Sith" features another 3 new planets (NOT counting the three or four places in the Jedi slaughter montage), 25 minutes on a space craft, and short visits to Alderaan, Tatooine and Naboo.

The prequels burn through characters at a similar rate, which is probably why nobody seems to know anybody else. We figure out who Darth Maul is, and he dies. We spend two hours trying to figure out who Count Dooku is, put it together, then he dies in the first 20 minutes of the next movie. And then General Grievous comes out of nowhere and we have to find it in ourselves to hate this guy, even though he's just shown up.

Think about General Grievous. Now, think about Darth Vader. Or Boba Fett. Or even Jabba the Hutt? It's just easier to hate someone we've seen act like an asshole. Everytime an established asshole gets killed off, it takes the audience time to work up a new head of steam.

Speaking of steam, I'm running a little low. But there's more where this came from, oh much more.