Rhymes with Arghhh

I’ve been dreading this moment for the better part of two weeks, but at last, I think it’s time to face my darkest fear: The gibbering, rickety mess of “Attack of the Clones.”

The only thing worse than what’s on the screen is the rambling nonsense tying it all together.

I.e., Lord Sidious has apparently convinced the Trade Federation representatives that everything would have gone swimmingly with their Naboo blockade if it hadn’t been for that meddling Queen Amidala.

Why the Trade Federation even cares about the failed blockade is unclear—they’ve suffered exactly zero repercussions for their villainy. Someone mentions a trial has dragged on for 10 years--and shows no sign of coming to a verdict anytime soon—but the Viceroy still has his job, and from the looks of things, plenty of cash.

But never mind the all-too-apparent prosperity of the Trade Federation—they’re still very, very angry at Amidala. She basically wore a head dress and asked some Jedis and fish people to do her a favor, but no, she’s the one they blame—not the Jedis or the fish people. So the Federation does what any angry businessmen would do. They put a hit out on now-Senator Amidala, build an enormous army of battle droids and start talking about separating from the Republic. The same extremely corrupt Republic, you’ll remember, that hasn’t even bothered to slap them on the wrist for their past crimes. Yeah, who wouldn’t want to ditch those losers?

Why is the Trade Federation is still taking advice from Lord Sidious again? He’s the jerk who suggested the Naboo blockade in the first place. But no, the Federation’s not angry with Lord Sidious for his shitty leadership, though many a CEO has been sacked for less.

Hence, the Trade Federation happily accepts Lord Sidious’s suggestion that they hire the one assassin in the galaxy who happens to live around the corner from half a million cloned soldiers. And Jango Fett, who has spent the last 10 years of his life watching his genetic stock being turned into a massive army at the request of the Jedi Council, doesn’t seem to have mentioned this to whoever hired him for the assassination. Not much of a team player, Jango.

Consequently, when Obi-Wan investigates the attempts on Amidala’s life, he stumbles upon the exact thing the Republic would need to defeat the Federation’s massive droid army. Wow, handy! And then, following the assassin’s trail, he stumbles upon that very same droid army.

What kind of business people are these Trade Federation guys? Or for that matter, the Geonosians? How has this group of incompetents ever stayed in the black for two quarters in a row? And these are the geniuses that Lord Sidious trusts to plan the Death Star? I wouldn’t let these guys park my second best pod racer. Come to that, where was the money for the droid army going to come from? If war hadn’t descended on the galaxy, I’m pretty sure Episode III would have been called “Revenge of the Accounting Irregularities.”

It is a shambles from start to finish, even if you overlook the unnecessary introduction of Count Dooku or the catastrophic Anakin-Padme love story.

Look, Anakin and Padme could easily fall in love, under the right circumstances. I’m just saying that a formal discussion of the Senator’s security needs is probably not especially conducive to romance. Yet, both of them admit later that meeting pushed them over the edge. I have a long, storied history of inappropriate crushes and workplace romance and I’ve *never* been smitten in a conference room. I think corporations have some kind of anti-romance air freshener they use for just that purpose.

For that matter, in the first 45 minutes of the movie, there’s not one moment of real need or compassion or support between them. They’re not unkind , but it’s never clear that they even like each other or enjoy the other’s company. When Anakin complains that Obi-Wan is a jerk, Padme doesn’t so much console him as tell him to suck it up. (And never mind that we haven’t seen Obi-Wan treat Anakin badly, so the complaints sound like childish whining.) Then, inexplicably, Padme kisses Anakin’s and it feels for all the world like she does it out of pity.

It’s maddening to see so much potential sexual tension thrown out the window. Both actors have appeal to burn—and the spectacle of a shirtless Anakin in Episode III made me mourn for what might have been. But there’s no desire between them, no sense that being close to each other is uncomfortably arousing. And every time Anakin blurts out his feelings, he undercuts what little tension has survived thus far. He’s the anti-Darcy--instead of smoldering his way through the first two acts, only to be unable to contain himself any longer, Anakin pours out his heart every chance he gets. It’s distinctly unappealing, and makes the viewer wonder exactly what Padme sees in him.

Plainly, Lucas or someone who works for him understands the power of seeing a character admit to their true feelings under duress, because “The Empire Strikes Back” has a perfect example of this right before Han is frozen in carbon. But in “Attack of the Clones,” a nearly-identical scene falls to pieces because no one bothers to tell the audience that the lovers are facing certain death. Nobody discusses what’s planned for them, or the likely outcome (a la Boba Fett’s concern for his reward, if Solo is killed.) Padme and Anakin are chained up in a darkened room, confessing their love and talking about death, but it all seems a little hysterical, since nobody’s said anything to us about killing them. Yes, it turns out, they are in pretty hot water, but we didn’t know that when they were trading clunky sweet nothings. (“I thought we had decided not to fall in love.”)

On the other hand, I will admit that Episode II does actually show the characters engaged in their lives as the story unfolds. People eat and do research and teach classes. It’s not the vacant wasteland of I & III. But that being said, opportunities are still wasted--Padme, for instance, can apparently pick a lock. Who knew? The mind reels to consider what other, less-than-orthodox skills she might practice in her spare time.